Mind that Ectoplasm! A Short Popular History of Masturbating Ghosts

As long as there has been life on earth, there have been two constants; sex and death. As civilisations grow and species evolve, the search for pleasure and the inevitability of mortality continues to await us all.

As beliefs in the afterlife developed, the ghosts that cultures reported have continued to change and grow. From pale wisps to fully formed apparitions, ghosts are often reported to be seen doing what they did in life; coachmen drive their horses into the afterlife, grey ladies take a stroll about their gardens, beheaded queens scream along corridors and loyal dogs wait for their owners in crowded kirkyards.

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Across pre-literate cultures, the threat of the sexual ghost is a familiar one. In 1648, ten puritan women in Connecticut were accused of having sex with the devil, resulting in several hangings. Similarly, the cultural phenomenon of the succubus – a female spirit who forcibly has sex with men – has been reported across centuries. The undead lover or sexual predator continue to be hotly debated topics today, both in ghost-related research and in the ever-present realm of the paranormal romance novel.

However, consensual sex with a ghost requires two participants, or at least, one living one. Sadly, spectrophilia is another topic for another day. While it takes two to tango, what about the ghosts that lack a partner? Can’t a spirit enjoy a little self-love after death?

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Reports of sexual contact between the living and the dead are far more widely reported than lone spirits, but solo strummers still come out of the woodwork, weaving their way into the rich and seedy tapestry of paranormal research. If one is to take all ghost spotting as legitimate, then it could be presumed that many visions of masturbating ghosts were deliberately unreported by the viewer. To report a monk walking through your wall would invariably draw fewer questions and embarrassment than reciting the tale of when an undead friar pleasured himself beside your kitchen table.

Nonetheless, many pleasure-hungry spirits have been catalogued in recent years, proving Ray Parker Jr’s sentiment that indeed, bustin’ makes me feel good.

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Taking a Dip

In 2018, Tim Weisberg and his paranormal team were investigating a haunting at the Murdock-Whitney House in Winchendon, Massachusetts. Armed with a range of hi-tech equipment, the team had set up an SLS system – a video tracking setup that maps human movement into the form of a basic stick figure. SLS systems are popular in ghost hunting, helping to make the unseen, visible. After moving the SLS around the house, capturing a ‘suspected spirit playing musical instruments’ in the process, they continued to move the machine throughout the house. At first, they mapped a figure standing beside a clawfoot bath. After a while, it disappeared and reappeared in the bath, with another standing close by. According to Weisberg:

‘The figure starts moving its left hand toward its lap, gingerly at first, almost as if it is trying to get away with something. Then, after a few moments, the hand stays in the lap, and begins moving up and down. Vigorously.’

As the team watched, the figure continued in its ferocity, soon using both hands and crossing and uncrossing its legs. After a few moments, the figure disappeared, leaving the whole team stunned.

Rather than remaining a written record by the team, the whole experience was being broadcast via Facebook live, meaning the pleasure-hungry ghost is now available for the whole world to see. Does this make us voyeurs? Was the spirit aware of the team’s presence? Was the spirit an undead exhibitionist? All we can do is let the footage speak for itself.

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Going Ape

Athelhampton House is Dorset is a popular spot for luxurious weddings and events and is open to keen tourists year-round. The 15^thcentury property was the place of one of England’s greatest gardens, with a series of ‘outdoor rooms’ inspired by Renaissance styles. The House was also a favourite haunt of Thomas Hardy, whose father worked on the house as a stonemason. It’s also haunted by the ghost of a wanking monkey.

The original owners of the house, the Martyn Family, boasted a crest that featured a monkey sitting on a tree stump. Supposedly, the family’s motto was ‘He who looks at Martyn’s ape, Martyn’s ape will look at him.’ To further indulge their crest, the family were said to own a pet monkey who was free to wander about the house as he wished. Being an unabashed creature, he’d frequently wander about, swinging with one hand and scratching his nethers with the other.

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According to local legend, when one of the Martyn daughters was heartbroken from a failed love affair, the monkey followed her and was present when she took her own life. By the time the family found their daughter’s body in a bolted room, the monkey had starved to death beside her.

In death, the monkey continues to swing about the hall, appearing to tourists with a big grin on his face, hands firmly on his junk, itching with unabashed glee.

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Go Home, Slimer

For every horny ghost, there’s an aroused man in a sheet; it is one of nature’s constants.

In June 2018, the Puyallup police of Washington was alerted to a strange happening in a nearby parked car.

Believing that they would be investigating a simple case of indecent exposure, the officer approached the car, ready to reprimand the driver.

While the man was indeed exposing himself and masturbating, he was also wearing a sheet, ‘reminiscent of an old-style Halloween ghost’, according to the officer’s blotter.

It was also noted that the spanking spectre was watching a 1980s-era porn film on his phone, combining to many niche interests into one moment.

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As the western world becomes more sex positive and each generation loses its inhibitions, we can only hope that the spirit world does the same. After all, eternity can be very a very lonely place.

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